The Wounded Healer
KGB officers accost Nureyev at the Le Bourget Airport in Paris and my right leg begins to tremble. His friend Clara Saint approaches French police and informs them that her friend is downstairs and will make a bid for asylum. Now, both my legs are shaking, along with my hands. My partner turns to me and asks if I’m cold. I shake my head, eyes glued straight ahead. I know the end of the story. It’s the best known story in the history of ballet since the Cold War, and yet, I can’t help myself. Nureyev lunges at the French police who are now leaning against the airport bar. “I am Rudolf Nureyev and I seek asylum!” My heart is in my throat.
The White Crow
“The White Crow” ends and I can’t get outside fast enough. I need to sit. I need to run. I need a glass of wine. Sitting at the bar, I gulp up all the air around me. At this moment in time, I am a grown woman. Yet, I begin to realize that for the last 127 minutes I was a little girl standing at the airport praying with every breath that “they” would let my grand-aunt into the U.S.
Mother Mary full of grace… oh please, oh please, oh please …
As a child “they” included all authority figures on both sides of the Florida Straits. Those that seamed to hold the fate of every person I cared about in their hands. For 127 minutes I became intimate with the wound I’ve carried for a lifetime.
Chiron In Taurus
I see it in my astrological natal chart as “Chiron in Taurus”. Chiron the wisest of teachers in Greek mythology, was a healer who could not heal himself. In astrology, Chiron points to our deepest wound and clues us in on how we may heal it. Mine points to a life that is often colored by a sense of impending loss, an innate devaluation of self and life in general, and difficulty trusting in the abundance of life. It’s a difficult position, but I imagine everyone sees their Chiron the same way.
As the universe would have it, my partner also has his Chiron in Taurus. Born into a military family, he was required to move to a different town every year or two. He once told his father, after a move, that he was not going to make friends one year because “we’re just going to leave anyway”.
The Work
Even though our ‘wounds’ manifest differently outwardly I believe our work is the same. Both of us are working to develop unshakable inner strength and self worth. For him, that means nurturing a daily meditation, yoga, and neurolinguistic programming practice. My work rests more on faith. I also meditate, practice yoga, run, but I need prayer and remind myself daily –
God has always and will always support me.
I am worthy of love and abundance just as I am.
There is enough for every one.
Abundance does not come from people, but through people.
My worth is not dependent on what I am able to produce or how much money I have.
Love is not an exchange – it is ever, and always, expansive.
Reminders change and evolve constantly, but they remain a daily practice. Our deepest wounds require care – recognizing, cleaning, and bandaging them daily. We must trust that, unlike the mythical Chiron, we will heal.
Taurus Season
The sun has now entered the sign of Taurus, and as a collective we are feeling these energies. Taurus is asking all of us to consider how we nurture, create stability, and provide a loving home for ourselves in these bodies and on this Earth. This year, due to the pandemic, we might be exponentially more sensitive to these themes than usual. I, for one, have greatly vacillated between moments of beauty and deep insecurity. Today, is a low day. I am anxious, and scattered, and on the verge of tears at any given moment. Yet, because I know my wound, I can clean, dress, and bless it. I will run and pray, and come back to myself. Tomorrow may be different, and it might not, but that’s the work, isn’t it? The work that allows us glimpses of unimaginable beauty just beyond the wound.
Every day I’m lunging toward heaven – “I am Kristen Llorca and I seek asylum!”
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